GODS OF EGYPT (2016)
1/21/2017 - Gods of Egypt (2016) – 2+/10
Sometimes a film is bad because it fails in achieving even a baseline level mediocrity in a plethora of key movie making elements. And then other times a film is offensive, and despite truly investing itself and providing ample effort, the misguided nature & results of said bungled vision shines an even more unsettling light on this never-should-have-been homunculus of an idea. Gods of Egypt is a gold encrusted turd, a Red Bull-fueled CGI monstrosity of Western bastardizations and cultural vomit. It was such a tone deaf disgrace that with all the dollars, big name actors, and effort put into this heinous blight, it juices up one's rancor and disillusionment, leaving an indignant hollowness where happiness might have dwelled. Maybe on the page, the storyboards, or the boardroom this sounded like a terrific idea for a money making film success – it is not.
I disliked this film. I hated the concept of making an ALL-WHITE European cast play the mythical deities of ancient Egypt in a basic “hero’s journey meets summer blockbuster mecha- armor suit wearing super-hero mega fights” excuse for a story. Unsurprisingly I hated the end product when that concept turned into 2 hours and 6 minutes of writ large white washing, meaningless action spectacle, and cultural obliviousness.
Past the conceptual snafus, much of the rest of the film is lacking. The acting is wooden and/or hollow. The plot has the complexity of doodles on toilet paper. The direction and cinematography haved the maximum style that a swing with the Rattnerian “shiny + fast” stick can lay on. There is no semblance of logic or thought past “that will look cool, bro” in any of this feature.
It gets a plus for conviction (foolishly or otherwise) and a coherent (but lacking) narrative. It gets a plus for the hard and solid work of the pre-viz department and the graphic artists wizardry. It gets a plus for a genuinely entertaining version of a creation consuming giant Apophis celestial worm. That. Is. It.
This was an unenjoyable film. Too concerted for camp, too callow for comedy, too crappy for anything but consternation.