1/8/19 - Aquaman (2018) - 4-/10

A sub-standard mess of convoluted mythology, convenient everything, and gratuitous slow-mo superhero landing poses. It is overly-long and wildly thin. The epitome of dark commercial style trumping any kind of worthwhile substance… But the crowd seemed to eat it up. And, honestly, it isn’t the worst, with plenty of larger-than-life spectacle, but I couldn’t help myself from groaning throughout.

Some movies deserve thoughtful reflection and deeper synthesis of what is going on both in front of and behind the camera. Aqua-bro doesn’t feel like that to me. As opposed to the  breadth of the action of this film, it has nothing really going on beneath the surface. So, just like their crude expositional bullet points that are supposed to drag some feeling or stakes from the drowned tripe we get, I will pollute the water in a similar way...

Deep-water Thoughts, by Jake Handy

• The first thing I considered while watching this is why doesn’t Arthur wear something other than denim and leather? I can’t imagine poorer choices for spending long periods of time in the water and then having them be constantly wet… Also, would his wallet chain work like it should, as he is doing 30 knots under the surface? Same with his enormous collection of bracelets and his necklace...I will say though that I love a hero going to complete his ultimate quest and face the mega monster in some European lounge slacks and a loose button down.

• There are a collection of superpowers that the “important” people of this movie have, but they are never explained exactly what they are, where they come from, or why they have them. They just do, mostly because they do in the comics, but also because the movie is apparently impossible to make without these cheat codes. Would have been nice to get some kind of reason…

• Could Black Manta be more inconsequential or uninteresting. The ultimate “tacked-on” villain character (waving at you Spider-Man 3 Venom) that truly provides nothing. His impetus is weak, his origin eye-rolling, his “gear-up” montage dumbfounding (don’t you like how ancient/future Atlantean technology takes an ocean terrorist a couple hours to backward-engineer and refine… Also, why would the big bad give away his best future tech to a guy he barely knows and not have more of it for the big battle? Might have been useful, no?

• I can’t stand when elite guards go against normies, but because the normies are important, the elite guards get their asses handed to them. Mera does this, and I am not opposed to her possessing proper agency or fighting acumen, but make these worthy opponents by having them be better than her in hand-to-hand and also, USE WHAT MAKES HER SPECIAL to come out on top. If she is magic water bender, have her utilize THIS magic ability to take control and escape/win, not just wing chung/krav maga these supposed bad-asses. Just a big of making things sensible. One might say similar things of Queen-I-Love-A-Land-lover (did she have a name otherwise?) too.

• This movie is all about world-building, but gives no time to breath or develop. It wants to be King Arthur wearing a cape in underwater Middle Earth, but it is trying to cram what could make 2-3 finely crafted and deservedly rich films into one slap-dash Mummy meets Man of Steel 2 ½ hour grind. I am sure this will make plenty of moolah, but just think what could be done by putting effort and making a GOOD movie…

• Impressive making maybe my least favorite non-villain character in the Justice League trash fire a likable adventurer. I didn’t think it could be done. Now, his characterization in both films is as stable and reliable as the crashed architecture of old Atlantis, but I applaud Mamoa’s personability.

• Why have the Pacific Rim/Wrath of the Titans extra in there? What does it really do and what do you do with it once it is out-and-about? Also, it is chatting up a storm but doesn’t have any wisdom to impart during the war for the control of the planet?

• If Aquaman can withstand bullets, bombs, swords, and laser blasts, how did he get so  many tattoos?

• Aquaman is portrayed as a douche-bro idiot, drunken and meat-headed. But, he can also speak every language, is extremely well-trained, and knows obscure details of ancient history. Huh? I don’t need him to be one-note, but if you want to have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde coexist, just feed me some reasoning.

• If atlanteans can swim with seemingly little effort as fast or faster than the underwater ships they built, why have them/use them? It’s like having Superman ride around in a jet. Doesn’t make any sense.

• Why did Nicole Kidman not age? Dolph Lundgren doesn’t look 30 in this film, nor did the ancient king, but Kidman is flawless except for her beautiful grey mane. (Side note: Hell-to-the-yeah for Dolph being not only in it, but a decently large role and consistently on screen. You guys get +1 in my book for that.)

• In a crucial “character must find oneself and become the hero” scene, Aquaman goes into detail about how he isn’t smart, is unlikable, and doesn’t work well with others, only to have Mera retort about how he is kingly he just doesn’t know it yet. Their 2 conversations had NOTHING to do with each other. It was like 2 writers were working on different section of the script, but were at impasses, so the studio just took both dialogue sets and mashed them together, whether it worked or not.

• While I appreciate Volko being played by Willem Dafoe, his presence and purpose for helping Arthur is never explained. I assume it was cut, but that would have been distinctly helpful in presenting “whys” and “what fors”.

• How often must we suffer through these inane “sure I have seen aliens invade while other super aliens/gods/cyborgs/bat-dudes/fast guys/and fish men save the earth, but to believe in aliens/gods/cyborgs/bat-dudes/fast guys/or fish men is preposterous” bullsh*t. They did the same in Justice League and they have to peddle that same tired story in this one with an “Atlantis believer”. This movie world IS NOT our world. It does have Superman. It does have Wonder Woman. And it does have Aquaman. People don’t refute the evidence of Thor on cable news in the Marvel movies, he is well-known and a hero. Granted, no one goes into the the intricacies of that world and how culture/beliefs/science and sociology would change in a superhero world, but it is ignorant and infuriating to keep seeing this DC “heroes equal fake news” malarkey.

• I. HATE. THIS. MUSIC. Does it all have to be so damn heavy and trying to be manipulative? Let the drama and action speak for itself. Not everything needs to be so in your face and unapologetic when it comes to explaining events with the the music. Plus, I wasn’t a fan of it in-and-of itself.

• The grand scale of this film and its action sequences are watchable. Too much and too long, but watchable. Hell, even fun at times, if you can ever follow any of the CGI gratuity.

Ugh. This movie was tiring. Thinking about it is making me tired as well… It isn’t awful. Pieces are there, but it is below any baseline average one should hope for in both a superhero/action/fantasy film or a film in general. It was a slowly sinking ship and if given the choice, I suggest abandoning it and taking a life raft to calmer & clearer waters.